DISTRACTION OF SELF IMAGE

I had a lot emotional break down in the last few days, not sure why. I listed a few moment where my emotion start to change. I realized that whenever i don't have a connection with others or imaging i was viewed differently or even ugly in front of others, or stupid or fat whatever i felt " NOT ME" moment, i felt crushed. I guess the conclusion is self image distraction. I care about my self image, just really want what i think of myself is also what other people think. If not, feel the whole world is not under my control anymore. Why do i care about self image, i guess it is very personal, i care, i am sure a lot of people do as well. What is reality? What if the version of myself in others are really bad in reality, how that has anything to do with me? Can i try hard to improve myself to please other's project of their own life. Can i ever get to their head to change their program of seeing things? If not, should i punish myself for it? So i often feel people are angry with me for something i don't remember i did or said. They are upset, Period. The only way i possibly can change might be our way of communication, the way to speak, the tone to speak, i know even though, it is also hard to void their projection as well, at least, that would make your life a big easier. Instead of changing yourself, try to enhance the communication skills.

I feel extremely suppressive towards similar background successful people. Almost lik3 i can only be friend with someone who has problems. I am not sure how to connect with a joyful happy individuals,unless they can come to me and donaye all their attention and lovw, then we can be friends. Otherwise,show me your weaknesses, let me help, we can connect. If you ate fucking successful ,hapoy all the time, you are fake ingenuine person, and i dont talk to those person. God,so.limiting!p

Where is the anger coming from? are we able to switch it over

I am very angry right now, the more people around me telling me with their pitty eyes: are you ok? i just want to know you are fine and you are loved? The more people come around me with their hugs, the more defines i get. What the F##k! Is everybody brain washed sometimes? If you have to relation to my personal life, never pay attention about who i am and what i do, and now you called for a huge care and love andhen ask me to pay money for something thing? Not working that way? Then i thought where is that anger coming from, is it really those people annoyed me ? Or i annoyed myself to block me from accepting new care and new way of love. Is" you have to know my story and follow me on facebook all the time, know how awesome i am and connect with me, then i can accept your help" even making sense? A lot of questions.

Feeling missed out

I was trying to push my limitations to get day off for this trip. At the same time, it is very difficult to push. But i am usually a person go for what i want. I am not sure exactly why. Why i m not push myself for something else, why feeling so strongly for this one. What i realized is my motivation towards not fear. but i am using all motivation from fear not towards. That is not a good decision. I am afraid to be left out for some thing really valuable and good. That is fear without realizing the real good value of this trip on my own.

Anger is a good expression

I am hiding it from everybody, i am angry for not growing, and i am blaming people not to help me grow. The truth is, i am not showing it, even typing it now knowing someone will read it doesn't matter how many, i am automatically trying to polish my words and hide inner self again. Yes, i am this fake person, always try to bring the best of me in front of people. To express, to learn to feel is the no one lesson i have to learn. That may be will also help me with my fashion career.

Need outside world to be pretty in order to feel ok

I absolutely need outside world to be ok in order for me to feel ok. I don't connect to a lot of people, i just don't really talk to a lot of people. Then i got questioned: why don't you put effort to connect with people first, in order to receive , you need to give, right? Right! the problem is i often find its hard for me to pay a lot of effort to connect with people that i don't feel connected. Either they can be awesome, but i feel far away from me or not feel connection, or it can be so friendly, but i feel not alike, in another word, i don't like to be their friend, I literally snob them. There are a lot of my limitations based on this. I don't connect with people in fashion because of this. I don't want to go for class based on this, even my relationship also. Do you feel the same struggle?

victim of a client

Most of time, if i paid money to some one or some company, and i would expect to get good value trade for their product, weather is service or actually project. The same of time of taking their service or product, i do feel like a client and i was expecting to be treated like a client. I was expecting a good service matched together. This habit make me feel like victim of the service is not what i expected. I am not a go getter, but i do looking to put all responsibility to others to make it ok.I do expecting some one will call me to follow up or check up everything. Is it wrong or right, where is my anger coming from?

Don't get distract by loving emotions

Finally, i am able to stay home only for dinner with my brother's family. My adorable niece always takes my heart away whenever i come home, i always said to myself, i will come home at evening, then changed to next day morning, then noon, then afternoon... I end up coming to my apt at 11pm. I love my nice so much, so it really doesn't feel good when i put my goal and personals beside , to play with my niece. I feel like i am actually living at my brother's life instead of my own reality. Yes, to go for your goal, easy and loving can be the comfort trap !

Power of getting out

I have always been comfortable with myself. Just feeling getting out would be a bad idea imagining all others are going to be boring or you were sit there , completely ignored by others. How horrifying that can be. Better stay home. There is a lot of chances i just don't get out, but the spending time with myself isn't fun either. Depressed and suppressed. Why is bla bla blar happily engaged and i am alone, why is so and so is earning money from their business and i am brook. It is really not easy to change that state of emotions if you are really into it alone . The emotion is on and on and on. First step to get out of this emotion is to get out. It totally helps to change the current state. Make sense? keep trying.....