What's fair

Having a bit work issues.
I love my job and co workers. However; this constant unfair emotions has eaten me up all the time. I compare my skills and what I do for the company to what I get paid. I felt big gap there.  To the outside, I am the fashion designer, can make design any stuff overnight.  But my skills do get paid by my clients.  To the company , I am still the sales girl they hire who does a good job in selling plus sewing skills.  Therefore. All my skills would be an asset for me to do a good job but not a trade for extra money.  Compare my clients paid me, free work is no longer feed my needs.  Indeed, I absolutely need the company right now for a daily job that makes me happy . So I have to compromise.
I have designed for clients consistently in order to gain sales.  The easy design work can be produced by me with a great financial opportunity,but they rather give to seamstress who doesn't understand anything to do the work. In the end , the job was terrible and seamstress needs to ask me all the time. But I have nothing in return except 40 dollar  commission for selling the dress.
Perhaps the company has vision I don't have;perhaps my skills and confidence gained over years within the company ; perhaps I am lack of ability to earn trust or business respect from management.
Perhaps it's called "pain of growing" .

Owning your choice

Very often, I made decision and didn't get the value as I wanted.  I started to regret the decision I made and start to blame myself and the person involved in the decision.
I wonder what's the real issue here and who is the one should take responsibility.
Sometimes,  since we already sit in the restaurant,  even though, it's expensive, but shame to move; friend is asking to eat in a pricy restaurant and it's my turn to pay,but too shameful to say no; friend ask me to buy coffee for her but didn't have intention to pay me back, I am not happy,but shamful to ask little money; paid for a friend to register a dinner party,but 3 months later, still not pay me back,but can't ask her to pay back .  It's all around money. Because I do have a belief and value on where I should spend my money. . But why lie ,and why shamful. It's personal image issue.  need to improve!

ANGER TOWARDS FAKE FRIENDS

I have a lot of friends like this. They are actually just people I know. I like to share things in a personal level, I want to tell you what's going in my mind, what s happened with so and so. How I feel and What I did. But the answer always : oh right; great ; can I check and get back to you; please check government to get help: do you want to consult someone?
I never get any personal or valuable opinions towards my question, there is always a vague answer and I just don't see people 's heart  and true being. Is it my problem or other people's problem? Am I being blunt to ask true heart friendship and feedback or people need to be on a "haha, lovely, great" type of friendship. If you have an opinion, please say right way, if you like it, please show truly your gratitude. If you don't like it, please tell me. Tell the truth and be honest please!

PRIDE? PROUD ? OR PRUDE?

Today I had a very interesting trigger. One French girl work with troy ask to have an interview with me. I thought in French, interview means rendez-vous. She might mean to have an appointment, but it is officially an interview. The funny thing is she skyped me with flurry quality, I hardly hear her. She puts on an official face and start to ask a lot of typical questions like:  Where do you like about children? what can you bring to children? What is your advantages?...I answered but start to get angry inside. One year ago, Alyson murry asked me the same questions, I carefully answered with gratitude. Alyson , as an ESP coach, 9 years MDS has more than enough credit to interview me and I had never work with baby before. And that interview would potentially lead to an 4500 dollars job monthly. However, this year, the same scenario, also Skype, I felt so annoyed. She is a nanny or baby sitter; broken English;Skype me when she can actually meet me for coffee, what would have been more professional and I might have more experience than her, I worked with 3 age group and my performance is so great in Miami.  Yes, my anger is Who are you to interview me like this?
She asked some privacy questions like my past salary, I intend to share more rainbow stuff to show off that I am more MDS than you. Then she ends up refuse to tell me the family name?  What the F? I shared my absolutely privacy, and you don't even want to tell me a name? I get so pissed . But I know it is totally my status issue still barking me up. If when I start to do something new, I tried to do a great job, some one else judged my performance , because they think they are higher up. The truth is that it is very possible for the family to let their very trusted nanny to interview people, and she even wrote the whole question set to do her job.  I really should understand this, not to having a bit issue with my ego.

THE POWER OF NOW, GREAT BOOK, GREAT INSIGHTS

I was in a personal development program for a while. Ever since, my growing has been stuck at certain point, then I started to talk to all the coaches about my issues. It all came with one answer: try to feel, Theresa, just feel. I almost wanted to yell at all of them" stop saying that, I am feeling it, in fact, I am feeling too much that I feel my pain and worry all the time". Coach continues: no, you are in your stories, stop story telling, feel it , just feel". As much as the coach frustrated with me, I feel more even frustrated about my inner growth problem. Not until I read the book from Eckhart Tolle: The Power of Now. It basically tells you to stay at the moment and how to stay at the moment. We are all living in the past and future. Judging everything around you and analysis of all the situation, plan a future that doesn't exist and change your emotions based on something may not be true. All of those emotions that are make your life miserable are either dwell from the past or analysis from the future. It is actually the result of intelligence . Smarter and more educated people like that. Only an analysis results will make them less shaky or more certain about what is going to happy. They are not the truth and not the fact, doesn't exist. The real power is now, this very moment and second just passing by your life. The moment creates the future.

LESS JUDGING, MORE FACTS

I am recently dating a guy on line, met him once, very attractive, luckily, he is thinking me the same way. In the first week, we texted each other all the time. We finally decide to meet again at one point, so when we actually had a few drinks. My initial plan was not to meet him or meeting him for one quick drink. But we started to make out, then one thing lead to another... After that, he didn't text in about days. Sounds familiar? Logically, I tried to be this self centered cool girl that doesn't really need a relationship, very happy with the choice of had one fun night, and absolutely no expectations. But the truth is the fact he didn't text back in 2 days drove me crazy. I started to ask all my close girl friends. Funny things, I start to realize all the opinion is the reflection of their own life experience and their own projection. Divorced girlfriend ask me not to trust man easily, of course he is not interested in you any more. Asian culture girlfriend is blaming me to be too easy to give away myself; western culture girlfriend suggests me to shut off my mind and enjoy myself. I am still not sure what the real answer should me. Because there is no answer at all. I started to even google of the fact that how man usually act when they get what they want and all the so called " rules" in this " must follow" social conduct. I started to judge, analyze and predict all of his actions and languages, and also trust my girl friends so much for what they said. I totally giving away my power to other people. Isn't that my responsibility for my own reactions? Happy or nervous, anxious are all up to me. I had been so reactive to this situation. All of that is based on the self image protection or fear of loss , simply just missing data. Then I clear my thought a bit , simply decide that I want to send him a text for myself, if he doesn't answer, move on. simple like that. How many time our mind trick us like this?

DISTRACTION OF SELF IMAGE

I had a lot emotional break down in the last few days, not sure why. I listed a few moment where my emotion start to change. I realized that whenever i don't have a connection with others or imaging i was viewed differently or even ugly in front of others, or stupid or fat whatever i felt " NOT ME" moment, i felt crushed. I guess the conclusion is self image distraction. I care about my self image, just really want what i think of myself is also what other people think. If not, feel the whole world is not under my control anymore. Why do i care about self image, i guess it is very personal, i care, i am sure a lot of people do as well. What is reality? What if the version of myself in others are really bad in reality, how that has anything to do with me? Can i try hard to improve myself to please other's project of their own life. Can i ever get to their head to change their program of seeing things? If not, should i punish myself for it? So i often feel people are angry with me for something i don't remember i did or said. They are upset, Period. The only way i possibly can change might be our way of communication, the way to speak, the tone to speak, i know even though, it is also hard to void their projection as well, at least, that would make your life a big easier. Instead of changing yourself, try to enhance the communication skills.